I woke up this morning at about 3 o’clock with a pounding head and a throat full of razor blades. We don’t really have the time for man-flu in our household. Children need to get taken to school, beds need to be made, dogs fed, dishes washed. Lying around groaning and talking like Yoda doesn’t get you sympathy. It gets you bitter resentment.
So I decided to deal with it there and then. I staggered through to the kitchen and rifled through the medicine cabinet (yes. We keep our medicines in the kitchen. Right next to the sweets. We like to keep our children on their toes.) to see what I could find. I considered drinking half a bottle of children’s painkiller, but then I found some Corenza C’s.
I don’t think that you get them anywhere else. They are about 50% vitamin C, 10% aspirin, and 40% medical grade heroin. And they work. They really do. But they have a kick like a mule. The wildlife guys use them as a tranquiliser when translocating rhinos. And I took two.
And so, when I awoke for the second time this morning, I was in a bit of a haze. I don’t remember taking the kids to school, but I must have, because they don’t seem to be here. Maybe I should go and make sure they’re not still sitting in the car. And then I sat down to write today’s post. I pulled out the list of potential topics I had written down, but that turned out to be a waste of time. Apparently I’ve forgotten how to read my own writing.
And so I began to cast around for ideas. I’m so glad I did. Because the first place I looked was on a WordPress site called The Daily Post. One of the things they do is put out The Daily Prompt; a daily topic for all us lost souls with no ideas of their own. I’ve never looked at it before, and I probably never will again, but today it was perfect. Today (which for most of you will be yesterday; I’m on the other side of the world), the prompt is “tell us about — or show us — the most unconventional love in your life.”
In 2006, Chevrolet launched an advertising campaign for the new Chevy Tahoe. It was cutting edge. Hip. It was cool. They set up a page on their website with a couple of clips of their sparkly new SUV lumbering through some wild wide-open spaces. The idea was that the public would write their own copy for the clips and post them back on the Chevrolet website. Brilliant! Apparently no-one from Chevrolet had ever actually been onto the internet before.
Chevrolet sat back and waited. And then slowly what they had done began to dawn on them. because their website started to get flooded with these.
And now WordPress has done the same thing. I don’t mean that they are going to be getting any hate-mail. WordPress is a nice organisation. It is run by nice people. They call themselves happiness engineers, for god’s sake. But they seem to have forgotten that they are on the internet. I don’t blame them.
It must be hard, sitting there year after year, having to come up with new topics every single day. “Tell us about — or show us — the most unconventional love in your life” must have seemed like a good one. They would draw out all those shy, reserved people out there with different, interesting passions; Victorian porcelain doll collectors; morris dancers; roller derby enthusiasts. It would be cool. Instead, I rather fear they are going to get these guys;
Or these guys.
Or these guys.
But not this guy. He has too much dingnity.
And the happiness engineers, bless them, have even been so bold as to ask for pictures. By the end of today, the poor sausages are going to be trying to claw their own eyes out after watching thousands of overweight, middle aged computer engineers post pictures of the darkest corners of the human psyche, and tonight will always be remembered at the WordPress headquarters as “The Big Drink”.
Sadly, I couldn’t use the daily prompt. I don’t have any unconventional loves. I’m allergic to rubber and fake fur gives me hives. I do quite like honey badgers though. Here’s a picture.