17. Unconventional love

I woke up this morning at about 3 o’clock with a pounding head and a throat full of razor blades. We don’t really have the time for man-flu in our household. Children need to get taken to school, beds need to be made, dogs fed, dishes washed. Lying around groaning and talking like Yoda doesn’t get you sympathy. It gets you bitter resentment.

Tissues you will pass me, young padawan.

Tissues you will pass me, young padawan.

So I decided to deal with it there and then. I staggered through to the kitchen and rifled through the medicine cabinet (yes. We keep our medicines in the kitchen. Right next to the sweets. We like to keep our children on their toes.) to see what I could find. I considered drinking half a bottle of children’s painkiller, but then I found some Corenza C’s.

I don’t think that you get them anywhere else. They are about 50% vitamin C, 10% aspirin, and 40% medical grade heroin. And they work. They really do. But they have a kick like a mule. The wildlife guys use them as a tranquiliser when translocating rhinos. And I took two.

I couldn't find any rhino translocation pictures. So here's a picture of one bungi-jumping instead.

I couldn’t find any rhino translocation pictures. So here’s a picture of one bungi-jumping instead.

And so, when I awoke for the second time this morning, I was in a bit of a haze. I don’t remember taking the kids to school, but I must have, because they don’t seem to be here. Maybe I should go and make sure they’re not still sitting in the car. And then I sat down to write today’s post. I pulled out the list of potential topics I had written down, but that turned out to be a waste of time. Apparently I’ve forgotten how to read my own writing.

And so I began to cast around for ideas. I’m so glad I did. Because the first place I looked was on a WordPress site called The Daily Post. One of the things they do is put out The Daily Prompt; a daily topic for all us lost souls with no ideas of their own. I’ve never looked at it before, and I probably never will again, but today it was perfect. Today (which for most of you will be yesterday; I’m on the other side of the world), the prompt is “tell us about — or show us — the most unconventional love in your life.”

Done. Now what?

Done. Now what?

In 2006, Chevrolet launched an advertising campaign for the new Chevy Tahoe. It was cutting edge. Hip. It was cool. They set up a page on their website with a couple of clips of their sparkly new SUV lumbering through some wild wide-open spaces. The idea was that the public would write their own copy for the clips and post them back on the Chevrolet website. Brilliant! Apparently no-one from Chevrolet had ever actually been onto the internet before.

Chevrolet sat back and waited. And then slowly what they had done began to dawn on them. because their website started to get flooded with these.

That'll get people talking! Our sales will be through the roof!

That’ll get people talking! Our sales will be through the roof!

And these

And now WordPress has done the same thing. I don’t mean that they are going to be getting any hate-mail. WordPress is a nice organisation. It is run by nice people. They call themselves happiness engineers, for god’s sake. But they seem to have forgotten that they are on the internet. I don’t blame them.

It must be hard, sitting there year after year, having to come up with new topics every single day. “Tell us about — or show us — the most unconventional love in your life” must have seemed like a good one. They would draw out all those shy, reserved people out there with different, interesting passions; Victorian porcelain doll collectors; morris dancers; roller derby enthusiasts. It would be cool. Instead, I rather fear they are going to get these guys;

Miaouw

Miaouw

Or these guys.

eeeeeeik eeik eeeeik

eeeeeeik eeik eeeeik

Or these guys.

Waaah!

Waaah!

But not this guy. He has too much dingnity.

Boing!

Boing!

And the happiness engineers, bless them, have even been so bold as to ask for pictures. By the end of today, the poor sausages are going to be trying to claw their own eyes out after watching thousands of overweight, middle aged computer engineers post pictures of the darkest corners of the human psyche, and tonight will always be remembered at the WordPress headquarters as “The Big Drink”.

Sadly, I couldn’t use the daily prompt. I don’t have any unconventional loves. I’m allergic to rubber and fake fur gives me hives. I do quite like honey badgers though. Here’s a picture.

Growl.

Growl.

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15 thoughts on “17. Unconventional love

  1. Mmnm says:

    Like what Jim said. Your unconventional is truly unconventional. All the links I’ve clicked on doesn’t even get close to what you found. I’m afraid they are just too predictable as a bunch..

    Good work, and hole you feel better /something I took last night has left me in a hazy state this morning too, i believe I can understand your feeling

  2. Lyn says:

    I feel sorry for any person who happened to be passing under the bungi-jumping Rhino. Another brilliant post by the way. You never fail to make me laugh.

  3. narf77 says:

    We discovered something like your Corenza C’s when we went to the U.K. en masse and developed bubonic plague on the plane…we were told (actually whispered behind a hand to be honest) to ask for a special “linctus” that would only be produced from under the counter by someone in a pharmacy in Liverpool…no idea what was in said linctus, but MAN my hands were HUGE!

    Sigh…having been a parent for as long as you have Mr 23Thorns, when your children are left alone in a car for any length of time longer than for you to open the front door and reach inside the hallway to get your keys (so long as you are able to maintain visual contact with them at ALL times that is, otherwise the gloves are off!), they will do 1 of the following…

    1. They will get out of their seatbelts in lightning fast speed mode and will all run off in different directions and you will spend the rest of the day hunting for them and appologising for their actions…
    2. The oldest OR youngest (never the middle for some reason) will get out of their seatbelts and will attempt to drive the car themselves with ALWAYS disasterous results…
    3. The oldest will help the youngest to get out of their seatbelt and they will then use them as leverage with passing adults “please sir, Daddy left me in the car and we are all scared, could you please call the police?”
    4. Your children will all be sitting in their seatbelts as you left them…”DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!!” this is a trap! Go hunting for your car keys (that they probably fed to a passing dog just to see what would happen or threw out into the park to see how far they would go and have NO idea which direction they threw them in); do NOT enter the car under ANY circumstances, check the glovebox…be afraid Mr 23 Thorns…be VERY afraid…

    Unconventional love? No time for that! You need to recover and get your wits about you for your childrens next enslaught against humanity sir!

    • 23thorns says:

      They’ve never even tried to start it. They’re too busy trying to dismantle it. The other day I found all my fuses lying on the floor, and the rear view mirror lying on the driver’s seat.

      • narf77 says:

        SEE! We parents need to be on our toes at all times. NEVER let them lull you into a false sense of security…

      • 23thorns says:

        The only time I feel secure is when they’re sleeping. Or are they?…….

      • narf77 says:

        never underestimate the aural propensity of a small child Mr 23 Thorns…why do you think they manage to reach adulthood intact as a rule without being buried alive by uber stressed parents?

  4. Jim Morrison says:

    Ahh, this time you got me. After reading your post, I followed your link to the Daily Post and clicked through the first 10 of the responses to Unconditional Love to see what had shown up. Your pictures remain the most unconventional. I am not sure how you find enough pictures for your daily, but I always enjoy them.

  5. Complete brilliance once again. A book of essays. That’s what I’m thinking.

    I love the posts where you educate us on a particular aspect of your culture (yesterday’s post). But I think if you try, you’ll end up being serious, and not serious is what you do best. I absolutely love your humor.

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