18. The Sausage Tree.

I feel a little guilty. On Tuesday, I put up a post that claimed to be about magic. But it wasn’t. It was about car guards. So today, I’m going to write about real magic. Just as soon as I’m done telling you about Sausage Trees. This is a Sausage Tree.

SausageTree

Its proper name is kigelia africana. It grows down in the Lowveld. It’s one of the bigger trees down there, about twenty metres tall, with a spreading canopy of thick green leaves that provide a dense, cool spot of shade. It has bright red flowers that look like they should be carnivorous. They’re pollinated by bats.

They have been known to catch and eat small birds.

They have been known to catch and eat small birds.

But that’s not why we are interested in the Sausage Tree. We are interested in the Sausage Tree because of these;

No-one knows where this tree got its common name from.

No-one knows where this tree got its common name from.

The fruits are huge. They can weigh up to 10kg. They don’t seem very appetising, but a few creatures do eat them, like elephants and bushpigs. And they’re quite popular with the locals. But not for eating. They are, as promised above, magic.

One of the oldest recorded forms of magic is sympathetic magic. You know all about it, because you know about voodoo dolls. The principle is simple. You find an object to represent the thing or person you want to perform your magic on. In the voodoo doll example, this would be the little doll. Then you magically imbue that object with the essence of your real target. For your voodoo doll, you would use fingernails or hair clippings. Then you perform a spell.

Your target is now in your power, because what happens to the object happens to the target. Go get yourself some pins. You have work to do.

voodoo-dolls-wallpaper

The sausage tree is not used for evil. It is the traditional answer to a problem that has plagued mankind since the dawn of time and, judging by some of the spam I get in my inbox, plagues him still.

This is where things get delicate. I am a little embarrassed. But, in the spirit of scientific enquiry, I will press on. I read about the magic of the Sausage Tree in an interview with one Merriam Mdaka in the Daily Sun, a local paper, so perhaps the best path forward here is to let her explain;

“My brother’s girlfriends always complained about his small penis. He is a handsome man, always wearing expensive clothes, but his biggest problem was his small manhood and women kept away from him.”

An awful state of affairs, I’m sure you’ll agree. But fear not, gentle reader, help was at hand;

“After consulting some elderly people they referred him to the Mpfunguri tree. My brother applied all the methods he was given until his penis grew to the size he wanted. Today my brother is a happy man and his girlfriends no longer complain because he is now a real man.”

An Mpfunguri tree is, as I’m sure you have guessed, a Sausage Tree. Quite why the Sausage tree was singled out I cannot even begin to imagine.

The fruit. It's because of the fruit.

The fruit. It’s because of the fruit.

It works like this; you climb up the tree in the dead of night and select yourself a suitable young fruit, with which you perform a rather unsavoury little ritual “while communicating with the tree that you want your manhood to grow bigger”. Then you go home without looking back.

And that’s just about it. As the fruit grows, so do you. And when you’re satisfied, all you do is cut down the fruit and destroy it. It may seem a little unorthodox, but it beats the hell out of surgery.

Magic is not something to be taken lightly, though. There are risks;

“The danger is when you forget where the tree is or when someone else cuts the fruit because then your penis will grow to the size of a belt or snake”

This, I’m sure you will agree, could be a little awkward in the showers down at the gym, and you would no longer be welcome at the public swimming pool. But the risks don’t end there;

“You don‘t tell your friends about your plans because they can cut the fruit and hide it. That will make the penis grow too big too quickly and it can lead to your death as you will not be able to walk.”

The standards of friendship are apparently a little different down in the Lowveld. As are the mechanics of death (“Cause of death, doctor?” “Not walking!”)

Before South Africa did away with capital punishment, we did not use the electric chair. We simply used "the chair".

Before South Africa did away with capital punishment, we did not use the electric chair. We simply used “the chair”.

I don’t think we’re making the best of this situation. I read the other day about “cosmetic surgery holidays”. You nip off to a secluded and discrete hotel, where you can get yourself a nose job and some liposuction and then lounge around the pool for a few weeks, drinking Mojitos and shoving painkillers down your throat before going home and denying that you look any different.

Why not magic penis tree holidays? There’s an untapped market here. We could set up a few discrete guest houses where wealthy foreign tourists could stay while the sausage trees worked their magic. The days would be quiet, warm and peaceful. The nights would be a little noisy though, split by regular shrieks and curses as German stockbrokers and dentists from Texas came tumbling out of 20 metre tall trees, pants around their ankles, fingers stretched upward as if still reaching for the choicest fruit.

Gott im Himmel!

Gott im Himmel!

But that is all in the future. For now, we should just be happy with what we’ve got. The Sausage Tree could a blessing, and we should be happy to have it. I will leave the last word up to the good Ms Mdaka;

“In our country, most of the women divorce because their partners fail to satisfy them in bed. Men with small penises must try the Mpfunguri fruit and their problems will be solved forever.”

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31 thoughts on “18. The Sausage Tree.

  1. Tony says:

    Ha, ha! It will be known around the world as the “Magic Tree Holiday”.

  2. katlego says:

    is it for real?

  3. Jabu says:

    Im impresed abt what dis tree do i want it to jst im stayng at Gauteng

  4. shaz says:

    u’v’ only spoken about men how about women, how does it work on them

  5. Jabu says:

    Men im at Gauteng i have a problem of a small penis too please bro make plan for i need this tree but the problem is i dont know Limpopo and i never been the

  6. mjo says:

    This is amazing but yet risky if u takin chances.I hav seen the trees but havnt seen or heard a testimony

  7. Kubolicious says:

    Im iun Jhb but i dont kjnow where to get this sausage tree

  8. […] I have seen people do what that fool in the clip did before. But in very different circumstances. The people I saw do this were backing down an elephant that was about to stumble onto a bunch of hikers. They were protecting the people whose lives they had been entrusted with. Not like this asshat, who seems to be in dire need of some quality time up a sausage tree. […]

  9. winderjssc says:

    Your article is great fun. I have put a link to it from my own Post about the sausage tree – but mine is nowhere near as entertaining as yours and only refers obliquely to the “sacred” properties of the tree.

  10. […] coincidence, 23thorns has also written about the Sausage Tree and it’s magical properties. Do go over and have a […]

  11. Meanwhile, the lotion extracted from this tree allegedly dispels age spots…an adjunct to my current beauty routine, I may deem suddenly necessary…one wonders if the direct application on say, the mammary region, might not work some expansion magic there also? Just thinking aloud…

  12. Rob says:

    This tree grows right in the path of the exit from Brisbane’s busiest bus terminal, University of Queensland Lakes. There have recently been huge funding cuts to unis in Australia, but thanks to you and Ms Mdaka my alma mater now has a surefire way out of their financial pickle! And there’s a job moonlighting for the bus drivers.

  13. Words fail me – what a sight the ‘sausage’ tree is! 😀

  14. narf77 says:

    “will work!” (stupid WordPress! Don’t post my comments before I have finished!)

  15. narf77 says:

    A most interesting take on Dorian Gray to be sure Mr 23Thorns! I am hoping that all of this blogging nonsense hasn’t just been to test the waters (so to speak) with the “general public” (we, your dear constant readers are OBVIOUSLY a very diverse segment of the paying public) to see if your prospective Mpfunguri fruit venture?

    • 23thorns says:

      You’re on to me! All I need is a dedicated international team of horticulturists. I’ve been grooming you for months.

      • narf77 says:

        Steve says he is IN! Obviously as an horticulturalist, not because of any personal need for the fruit of the tree…he just wanted to clear that up by the way… but if you could see clear to pointing one out to him he would like a few moments alone with it just to familiarise himself with it’s botanical nuances…

  16. Marcia says:

    Now THIS is what I’m talkin’ about, 23! Even better than warrior goddesses in skimpy leather bikinis! And YOU, my friend, are the undisputed King of Captions!

    I can now start my day with a happy smile on my face. First because I’ve read your daily post, and second, because I’m placing a special order with my local nursery. Wait until my neighbors get a look at my new garden. (Tickets to be sold at the gate. Infrared photos suitable for framing optional.)
    😀

  17. “A real man” in “expensive clothes”, why, that is surely all a good woman needs!

    Did a man, by any chance write this article?! I hope that, hidden behind the bushes on deserted tracts on dark nights, there is a group of ladies keeping watch on sausage tree shenanigans and screeching with laughter.

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